In a League By Themselves: Weird Sports Games

For every five to ten “normal” sports games that are on the market (like Madden, Wii Sports, etc.), there is a certain oddball title that manages to turn a few heads.  Whether it’s doing so with competitive armadillo racing, stuffing yourself full with hot dog wieners (through the mouth, thankfully), pitting pirates against ninjas in the traditional game of dodgeball or getting some golf time in with the master of Crunk, there’s something weird here for everyone.  Join us as we look at ten sports games that’ll make you go “WTF”…or something to that degree.

Eat! Fat! Fight! (Tecmo)

Tecmo’s sumo wrestling simulator isn’t half bad, although the gameplay is thinner than the athletes on display.  You play a would-be Yokozuna wrestling his (or her) way up the ranks, either with a default wrestler or a creation utilizing the head of your Mii.  (If you buy the game, do this first.  Trust us.)  Along the way, you’ll partake in several mini-games, working on your balance, slapping techniques and, most importantly, your diet.  In an age where fitness games are all the rage, we’re glad that Tecmo didn’t deny us the chance to gorge ourselves.

Muscle March (Namco Bandai)

Namco Bandai’s muscle-bound adventure game just arrived this week on the Wii Shop Channel, and we can’t stop talking about it.  Maybe it’s the way you can choose from not one, not two, but six muscular miscreants, chasing after thieves using the power of flex with each step they take.  In addition, a polar bear in tight swimwear also goes along for the ride, although we’re still not sure why he’s in the game.  (Perhaps he’s trying to spread the message that polar bears can do much more than push ice around and drink Coca-Cola.)  Look for a review of this unbelievably strange game next week.

Toobin' (Atari)

Atari’s classic arcade game is a fun one or two player romp where you tap buttons to paddle your way across a variety of rivers, in hopes of reaching a finish line with bikini-clad babes cheering you on.  The journey is perilous, however.  You’ll have to deal with toxic spills, gun-toting rednecks, aliens (you go to Mars in one stage – yes, really), angry Eskimos (what’d we ever do to them?!), mines and so much more.  The gameplay itself isn’t bizarre, but the territory you cover certainly is.  Plus, if you’re facing a computer opponent, they’re completely colored blue.  What is this, Avatar?

Armadillo Racing (Namco)

We’ve seen all kinds of racing games.  Simulations, arcade games, competitions where you need to destroy as many cars as possible, and even foot races.  However, we’ve never seen anything like Armadillo Racing.  The title of this Namco arcade game says it all.  You control an armadillo as he runs his way down a track, going up against a fellow armadillo to prove who’s king of the dirt.  There’s not much technique to this game, although it is fun to play once or twice out of curiosity’s sake.  Plus, you can use armadillo speed boosters.  Automatic win, yes?

Major League Eating: The Game (Mastiff)

Mastiff’s competitive eating game is an interesting one for the WiiWare service.  In it, you’ll select from a fine crew of competitive eaters (including real life Major League Eating champs) and then dine like a madman, using hand motions with the Wii remote and Nunchuk to stuff yourself with all kinds of food.  For fans of the, um, sport, there is something to like here, but the gameplay left us feeling empty over time – which is more than we can say for the art of competitive eating itself.  Seriously, we can barely get through a plate of hot wings without feeling ill.

Beavis and Butthead: Bunghole In One (GT Interactive)

Beavis and Butthead aren’t the greatest influences when it comes to golf.  In fact, the closest they came was roaming onto a golf course, playing with the ball washer and making fun of the name “Titleist”.  However, that didn’t stop GT Interactive from creating this weird, surprisingly difficult golf game for the PC.  You control Beavis, Butthead or one of the show’s other characters as they putt their way through obstacle-filled holes, shooting for the best score possible.  Really, just skip this and play Tiger Woods.  You’re not missing much.  By the way, we said holes.  And score.  Huhuhuh…that’s pretty funny.

Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball (Gamecock)

The debate regarding pirates versus ninjas has been going for decades now.  (OK, decades in terms of spent time on the Internet, really.)  So what better way to settle it than with a great game of…dodgeball?  Really, we were expecting a full-fledged battle of swords, throwing stars and cannon fire, not red balls being flung at each other’s heads.  Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball is quite a disappointment, as Gamecock ignores the traditional rules of the sport in favor of “hit everything that moves as quickly as possible”.  Both the Xbox Live and Nintendo Wii versions suck equally, so skip this and go back to debating in your online forums.

Toxic Grind (THQ)

If you combined Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater and Dave Mirra’s BMX with the likes of Saw, you’d probably end up with something like THQ’s Toxic Grind.  That’s not to say the game is good by any means, however.  In the game, you’re fighting your way through a ridiculous game show, beating traps and staying alive by grinding over life-threatening traps and obstacles.  It sounds like fun, but the lackluster controls and terrible presentation make this one kind of a…well, you know…Grind.  (You knew that was coming.)  Plus, who puts a plotline in an extreme sports game?  That’s like putting a dramatic Meryl Streep speech into a wrestling game.

Lil’ Jon Crunk Golf (Bling Games)

“Yeah!”  The rap superstar behind such hits as “Get Low” and other radio hits has his own golf game for most cell phones.  It’s not a traditional golf game, however.  In it, you’ll swing clubs with Lil Jon as he bounces balls off of objects, hitting particular targets and earning rewards for his accuracy.  And by rewards, we mean having the ability to say “Yeahhhhh!” or “Whut?!” every few seconds.  If you’re a fan of his work, there’s no question that you’ll find some appeal here.  Otherwise, go find something more suitable for your golfing needs.  “Okayyyyyy!”

Cosmic Smash (Sega)

Considering that Sega leaned so much on sports franchises for the Sega Dreamcast, we’re shocked that Cosmic Smash never got any kind of U.S. release.  Not only is it based on an innovative idea – competitive virtual racquetball – but it’s actually an outstanding game.  The controls are more fun than we could’ve expected from a racquetball game, and the vector graphic style is unlike anything we’ve seen in a sports game before.  Hopefully, Sega will bring this one back for Xbox Live or the PlayStation Network.  It deserves a second chance to be a Smash.

Honorable Platforming Mention: Michael Jordan: Chaos In the Windy City (EA)

OK, technically, Chaos In the Windy City isn’t a sports game, but we felt like mentioning it because it does feature a sports star, the one and only Michael Jordan.  In the game, he uses a variety of super-powered basketballs to defeat enemies, including special flaming and freezing ones.  It’s definitely not one of the best games EA has made, but at least it’s playable.  And that’s more than we can say for Shaq Fu.